If You Really Knew Me…

If you really knew me, you would know that since kindergarten I’ve had a love of writing. You would know that I used to write and illustrate my own chapter books and that I bound them together with a hole punch and ribbon.

I drew my inspiration from everything around me. I channeled my curiosity into creativity and used it to burn memories into my brain by including pieces of the world around me into the stories I wrote.

Even now, I am reminded of sitting in the back of my Grandparents car, looking out the window with my notebook in my lap. Right before driving into the Caldecott Tunnel, I finally found the perfect name for the town in my story on a street sign. I’d been struggling to decide on what I wanted to call it and was elated that I’d finally figured out the perfect one.

I am reminded of the inspired feeling I had and how much joy such a little thing brought to my heart. I see pictures of it in my mind and treasure that memory especially now that so much time has gone by.

If you really knew me, you would know that in 7th grade I wrote a poem about a tiny statue I saw on a field trip to an art museum in San Francisco. Every kid that went on that field trip from any school in the Bay Area (or wherever) was asked to write stories or poems about the art & at the end we submitted them to the Museum where they would choose some to publish in a book to be sold there.

For me, seeing my poem published in the anthology, made me feel so proud and confident that I rewrote the poem on my bedroom mirror and looked at it everyday. It helped reinforce my belief in my abilities and inspired me to write more and more poems.

I could try to narrow it down, but the truth is, I’m not exactly sure of the specific year or moment my heart began to shrink and my light started to dim. I do know that when it happened; a lot of my inspiration, creativity and joy went with it. I stopped sharing things that I wrote with anyone and kept promising myself that one day I would share it again.

My friend circle began to shrink, my anxiety began to grow & my ability to be vulnerable all but disappeared. All of the feelings I’ve had inside have sat there always ready to take the lead. Like a coffee cup filled to the brim, but will taste terrible unless cream is added. Adding cream just keeps causing it to spill over into a beautiful mess. A mess that needs cleaning up over and over again.

I am taking back the things that make me feel the most alive and reclaiming that which inspires me. This blog is something I’ve been planning and wanting to do for a long time. (I’ve even owned the URL for over a year now) I’m slowly working through some of the anxiety around writing about and sharing some of the things I intend to, but I’m challenging myself to find the healing I need in the way that feels natural and right for me.

I know now that losing my mom was something that felt so heavy and painful that my heart and soul felt like they couldn’t exist in the same body. I know that with her death I felt I’d lost the only person in the world I trusted to be able to share anything with while knowing I would be safe and loved anyway. This is me going outside of my comfort zone and sharing things without obsessing over how I’m received or whether people will still like me.

I need to say a special thank you to a two women, one of whom happens to live just nextdoor and another traveling kindred spirit I met through her. You both just so happen to know that what I want to do is not only possible, but you also were the nudge I needed to go for it. Thank you for our trips to church, for sharing your experiences, listening to mine, offering your advice and your genuine non-judgmental encouragement.

Thank you to everyone who’s sent me messages, reached out by phone, opened up about your own struggles and told me I am not alone. I had no idea there were so many people close to me dealing with some of the same issues. It has meant the world to feel the love and support from you all.

Thank you to God/The Universe/Mother of All Beings for sending me just who I’ve needed at just the right time to help me get through the struggles I’ve been experiencing.

Without further delay, I welcome and encourage everyone to please follow and support my new adventure. Hopefully as I learn and grow, I can also add something of value to the lives of those who come here.

If there is anything specific that inspires you, thoughts or experiences you’d like to share or answers that you seek, I have a thirst for knowledge and a desire to be of service, I would love to hear from you.

View at Sunset, at the top of Mt. Tamalpias

The truth is, most of us discover where we are headed, when we arrive.

– Bill Watterson

 

All content is created independent of targeted external influence or guidance

All photographs and images were created by me personally unless otherwise specified

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